Two of the most common questions from readers in our 2018 survey were “Are you going to adopt again?” and “How many kids do you want?” The short answer to both questions is yes—and four. But there’s more to the story.
I grew up in an unusual family arrangement. My dad had four boys from a previous marriage, then after a divorce he married my mom and they had me. My half-brothers are ten to twenty years older, so my childhood alternated between feeling like an only child and being part of a large household. When my brothers split time between their moms and our home or left for college, I was often the only child at home. At other times, when everyone gathered, our house felt like a bustling family of seven. I thrived in that big-family atmosphere and eagerly looked forward to the moments we were all together.
That contrast shaped a clear preference I’ve never wavered on: I want a big family.
Jeff grew up in a more typical two-kid household—him and his sister, just over two years apart. When I told him in high school that I wanted a large family, he couldn’t imagine having more than two children because that was all he knew. He had practical concerns: “Won’t the parents get overwhelmed?” “How do you fit in a car?” Over time, though, as he experienced my family’s chaos and joy, he understood why a big family mattered to me. It’s loud and imperfect and full of laughter, and our game nights and competitiveness are some of my favorite memories.
People often react to my goal of four kids with surprise—“Four? Talk to me again after you have one or two.” Or when they watch our son Arlo acting wild, they’ll joke, “You still want four?” My answer stays the same: yes. I’m grateful to have seen the long-term rewards of a large family—gatherings with grown kids and grandchildren, sometimes eighteen or more around a table—and I’m willing to work for that future, even knowing it won’t always be easy. The best things in life rarely are.
Jeff now tells people outright, “We want four.” I remember asking him a few weeks after Arlo came home, half joking, “So… you still on board with four?” He didn’t hesitate: “Sure am.” I fell for him a little more right then.
So I’m curious: how many siblings did you have? Were you an only child? Did you love it or hate it? If you plan to have children, are you drawn to a family structure like your own or something different? Maybe you haven’t thought about it—either way, I’d love to hear your thoughts below.
For the record, I might have more than four if we didn’t live in a city where everything costs so much.
Photo by Katherine Ann Rose